MY SUPER SECRET BEAUTY TRICKS REVEALED...

Photo by Kit Lee

I'm not kidding, from the night I arrived in London (Valentines night) to the day I left (last Friday morning) I slept MAX 4 hours a night. This isn't like me. I like to sleep... I like to sleep so much that my husband has to call me up at 11am and tell me off for not getting out of bed. 'Jennnn... this isn't natural. GET THE FREAK OUT OF BED AND DO THE DISHES WOMAN!!!' Even more disturbing? Wednesday night I didn't sleep at all (not a wink) and Thursday night I had to get a cab to Heathrow at 3am (so again, figured... there's no point in sleeping)... ZOMBIE ALERT. This is not humanly possible. This resulted in me passing out on the flight (I had an entire row to myself), waking up panicked and thinking I was on a 'fashion' plane?! Arriving in Zurich airport, being stopped by immigration and BURSTING into tears when I'm informed that it is illegal to bring samples from outside the country in... that I should have filled out a form beforehand... that I went through the wrong line... that I'm a criminal and should be deported (hah). Poor man must have took pity on me because he gave a giant Swiss-German induced sigh, looked down and said, "ok. pack it back up.' Then brought me round the back of the computer to explain EXACTLY how it works when you bring samples into the country... 'You promise you won't do this again?' he asked. Through the sobs I mustered an, 'I promise.'

So, the question begs to be asked... just exactly how did I make it through fashion week and this disturbing airport experience without a bit of smudged mascara or cracked lipstick? Well, girls (and boys), behold, my three part masterclass in makeup for the disenchanted lazy butt.

1. FAKE EYELASHES: yes, that's riiiight. I have FAKE EYELASHES. So everyday when I would get to Somerset House and someone would say, 'Weren't you at the (INSERT RANDOM PARTY) last night?' 'Ummm... yeah.' Puzzled look. 'but... you look so FRESH.' FAKE EYELASHES, FAKE EYELASHES, FAKE EYELASHES. I said it more than anything else (even more than the Instagram thing). About a year ago I got fake eye lashes for the first time. I got hooked. I got them done three times in a row... when you have them on you don't have to wear mascara (some people do but personally I think that's just silly). The ones I get are so good that when I have them I don't wear ANY eye makeup - not ever. They last for roughly 2-3 months and fall out when your normal lashes fall out. You see, because they are individually applied to every lash - the process takes an hour to an hour and a half. They are the MOST life changing beauty treatment I have ever had. No mascara, no washing your eye makeup off at night, no worrying about crying and having it smudge. Even on zero hours of sleep, I can walk around like the bees-knees because these just make you look AWAKE and ALIVE. It has revolutionized my life. I went about 8 months without them - in order to let my lashes rest up. I'll just say one thing. When they start to fall out it is TRAGIC. You'll find a lash on your pillow in the morning and rock it back and forth in your hands... DON'T LET THEM BE FALLING OUT!! Your lashes get a bit frazzled and look a bit pathetic. At that moment you have two choices: 1. tough it up and let them fall out gradually (whatever you do, DO NOT, attempt to pull them out... that would be really REALLY freaking stupid) or 2. dish out the moolah and admit your hooked. I try not to stay hooked throughout the whole year and instead just get them before big things like fashion week. Also, I've seen A LOT of shoddy eye lash jobs... don't be stupid and go somewhere cheap, you'll look like a hooker. I go to LASH LAB where Kym, the most talented lady, does mine. They are the best lashes I've seen anyone do in London and I couldn't recommend them more. These are her prices... please don't everyone rush to get them done though because she's already super freaking busy and if next time I go to London she doesn't have time to fit me in I swear I will know it's YOUR FAULT.

2. MAC LIP PRIMER: So, my friend Lucy used to always wear these incredible lipstick colors and they would always stay on for aaaages - like, literally all day. Whenever I'd be putting on lipstick I would be super self-conscious. Is it smudging? Do my lips look chapped? Is it on my teeth? Do I need to reapply? 'How's my lipstick?' I would ask about a gazillion times until finally someone would say, 'Uh. You need to reapply.' This is annoying right? That was my life until I discovered Lucy's secret: Mac Lip Primer. I ordered it just before fashion week and was so excited to get it (along with my favorite lipstick Cyber). So, this is how good it is... I'm not even exaggerating. One evening before going out I put it on with a BRIGHT stinking pink lipstick over top (you just put the primer on like chapstick and then put the lipstick over top) (the lipstick I stole from Shini, oops, it's from Topshop but I can't find it online... hmmm...). I went out the whole evening... stayed out until about 3am... had drinks/food... got home... was too exhausted to wash my face or look in the mirror so I collapsed into bed. 7am and I woke up... stumbled into the bathroom, stuck my face in some water and wiped the water off on a pristine perfectly white towel. When I looked down... there was bright pink lipstick smeared all the way across the towel. (#Oops) But honestly, how is that EVEN POSSIBLE? It literally stayed on the whole time. I'm telling you, it's insane.

3. BRONZER: I'm from California, I LOOOOVE the sun. I could spend all day everyday lying in the sun. So this is obvious, right? A brushing of bronzer if I'm feeling particularly up for it. I've been using this one from Chanel for like 5 years. It's the best. Yeah, it's Chanel so it's kind of expensive... but don't you feel fancy when you pull a Chanel compact out of your bag? I know I do.

So, there it is revealed ladies and gentleman. The super exciting secretes to my beauty regime. You may remember from such previous posts that I suck at makeup. I suck at it. I can't apply eyeliner and I always forget to moisturize. I have a huge bag of makeup sitting under my sink... most of which I NEVER use but have stupidly purchased under the pretense that it would be grrrrreat. Most of it wasn't. So, now, finally after 26 years of life I have finally gotten down a simple procedure for the makeup I like to use. If I could have them all year round it would start with eyelashes (when I have these I'm more than happy to leave the house without anything else on - uhhh... no other makeup on. don't be a sicko)... if I'm feeling a bit drab then I'll put on bronzer (and normally a bit of blush)... if I'm REALLY trying to make an impression then the lipstick comes out. At the moment my skin is pretty good... but I definitely get the occasional pimple and when that happens I FREAK OUT... which ends up leading to more pimples... which means I pathetically try to cover it up and put Charlie on 'pimple patrol.' It's really sad...

p.s. this post was WAY too long. I promise not to do this too often.

p.s.s. I'm going to the Alps tomorrow morning and won't be back until Monday night. I likely won't have internet. Just so you know.

p.s.s. I'm in the process of making some big blog changes in order to sort out the google search debacle... so if you notice anything strange just roll with it, hopefully we'll be all sorted by mid-week. Ok, that's all... have a wonderful Sunday. xx